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In a world exclusive, LukeBeston.net finds itself burdened with the sad duty and journalistic responsibility to report that MMA fighter and submission grappling expert Jeff "The Snowman" Monson has been diagnosed with AIDS.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, ATT leader and Monson manager Carlao Santos confirmed what a medical source had told LukeBeston.net approximately ten days prior - that Monson, 34, had contracted AIDS at some point in the last few years, with his condition only recently reaching the point that it became noticeable to friends, colleagues, and sight-possessing bystanders.

"Once the doctor told me that Jeff had AIDS, everything started to make sense," Carlao told a LukeBeston.net reporter during a tearful phone interview. "Jeff had always been bald and unpleasantly pasty, but in the last couple of months it became worse and worse. People would stop us on the street and joke that he was a corpse I was animating with wires to try and make people believe he was still alive, like in Weekend at Bernie's," he explained. "Usually Jeff would have laughed at something that ridiculous, but lately he would go off on a rant about all sorts of crazy shit, real defensive like. He'd say that it was the government's fault that ignorant people existed and that things had to change. Afterwards he'd sit in a corner with a real sad look on his face. At first I thought it was just steroids making him stupid, but now I realize that he was lashing out because he thought they were mocking his AIDS."

Friends and training partners have been equally unsympathetic. As ATT member Dennis Hallman recalled in the presence of a Beston's writer, rumors about The Snowman's health began to negatively influence the environment within the team.

"Once people started saying that Jeff had AIDS, nobody wanted to roll with him anymore," Hallman admitted to self-styled Fightsport.com investigator, Ryan Lankford. "Nobody wanted to touch or even look at him, because some of the guys said that you could come down with AIDS that way," he continued. Hallman's feelings were echoed by many of Monson's so-called "teammates", many of whom (including ATT members Howard Davis, Marcus Aurelio and Hermes Franca) told LukeBeston.net staff that they would no longer associate with him under any circumstances. A notable exception was disgraced ATT founder and convicted drug dealer Marcus "Conan" Silveira, who told this website he would have contact with Monson only if he were to mastermind and execute a jailbreak on his behalf.

In a bizarre and cruel twist, the grim spectre of AIDS which had so easily destroyed Monson's personal relationships began to have the opposite effect on his competitive performance. According to Abu Dhabi Combat Club's Miguel Iturrate, Jeff's recent showings at various events including this year's "World Submission Wrestling Championship" in California were unusually interesting.

"Everyone knows that Jeff is really, really boring as a grappler," Iturrate stated, illustrating general contempt for Monson's points-reliant, sedate style by pretending to sleep on his desk. "But since the rumors started that he had AIDS, people actually started watching his matches. Maybe they were curious to see if he really did look and act like he had AIDS, but they started paying attention."

Even stranger than his newfound visibility was the fact that The Snowman's success in these events began to improve dramatically. Iturrate, however, was quick to point out that this was most likely not due to an increase in skill.

"The bottom line is that his opponents just didn't want to get AIDS," Miguel assured a Beston's writer. "Look at it this way: in the past, if Jeff Monson was laying on top of you waiting for the clock to expire so he could win the match on two takedown points, you might try to do something to reverse or submit him." Growing visibly agitated, Iturrate was forced to pause and calm himself long enough to continue. "These days, you've got a guy who everyone says has AIDS on top of you. You're too scared to do anything except keep your mouth shut and try not to look at him, because all the guys say you can get it just by staring too long."

Despite the concerns voiced by those who have faced him in the past and those who may be forced to do so in the future, Iturrate is quick to dismiss the idea that Monson's AIDS should stop him from being included in grappling events he runs.

"I'm out to make a profit," Iturrate boasted, twirling his handlebar mustache in a sinister fashion. "People want to see Jeff Monson because they know he has AIDS and something crazy might happen. After one match, the guy took his shorts off and walked around naked, forcing all the spectators to look at his dick and ballsack."

Miguel laughed and reclined in his chair as he visibly remembered the scene - and, no doubt, the profit it made him; "People were throwing up all over eachother, and the media seized onto it and gave us a ton of coverage. At our next event, we sold twice as many tickets. I get kids running up to me at every event, telling me that they want to see the freak who has AIDS." Grinning, Iturrate opened his wallet to show LukeBeston.net photographers the large amount of money spilling out of the cheap and tasteless light brown faux-leather interior.

"This is America, senor. In America, people want to see someone that they can hate for being different but who they fear at the same time, like your negro Wilt Chamberlain. Black people aren't frightening anymore, but AIDS is, and Jeff 'The Snowman' Monson has AIDS. As long as he has it, he's welcome at ADCC."

For a moment it may seem to the reader as if Miguel Iturrate is doing the right thing in allowing Monson to continue to make a living, no matter how selfish and profit-driven his motives for doing so might be. But only seconds after pledging his support, such as it was, Iturrate began to display the intense and ignorant anti-AIDS sentiments that Jeff finds himself battling each and every day.

"He's welcome at ADCC, but if he comes within a mile of my house I'm calling the fucking cops. I don't want AIDS, and I heard you can get it just by looking at him."

We here at LukeBeston.net wish Jeff Monson the very best in his struggle against both AIDS and the small-minded ignorance of MMA fans, fighters and promoters.

Editor's note: in the context of this article, the acronym "AIDS" means "Anarchist Inclinations to Destroy Society" and should not be confused with any alternate use of the same letters.

A concerned referee looks on as Jeff Monson, clearly displaying the telltale signs of a man with AIDS, outgrapples a terrified opponent.

posted by X 6:55 PM

Friday, June 10, 2005

WORLD EXCLUSIVE: Jeff Monson Diagnosed with AIDS

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